讨厌的缺损，是你的一部分

今日白露，按我们这儿的传统要吃龙眼，据说对眼睛好。关于这个说法，我也是第一次听说。

吃过饭就在想，恰好今天回去，会不会有什么有点深的意味？回去老地方就是这点不好，容易胡思乱想。而且最近越来越sentimental，动不动就被感动。这让我很烦恼——好在人想要说服自己的时候，总能找到些理由的。

说到这个，很久没有温习“猥琐的小梦想”了——为什么是猥琐的？因为我不好意思大声说梦想两个字。其实它们，有些也不是真的那么难以实现，只是接近的时候我们可能没注意到，或者没准备好。就像好几次路过油菜花田，没办法从火车或者汽车跳出去。在荷兰的时候终于站在郁金香田里了，发现我根本没带白裙子去。我不知道这样的事情还要发生多少次。或者我终于穿着白裙子站在花田里的时候，会发现虫子实在太多了……但是，那些讨厌的缺损，仍是你的一部分。

The River

Hey you, who were born with hypersensitivity, have been drifting in the river, feeling no courage to drag yourself out. But you don't enjoy that deep depression. No one does. And you never tease with your sadness. No one should. You wished all sensitive hearts deserve tender careness, although you dared not to long for, and regreted to have believed. Sentiments followed you anywhere, no matter how hard you pretended not to see them just be aside. You tired to confide, or confess, while being afraid they've scared your beloved. When you dried up all your fake merriness, and the last exhausted hope, you bared yourself in the horrible helplessness, feeling cold. Lying wide awake in the dark, you shouted silently to dirve away the fear, in vain. Then you labored an ambivalent look at the dying past, wondering if you've made too much fuss out your little empty life. You know you'd prefer never having been brought here. 'Coz on this planet lived someone, in whose heart lived your heart... And the story drowned, in the river you cried for him.

膏药

据说崔健接受采访时曾宣称自己只和27岁以下的女孩恋爱。因为27岁以上的大龄女青年都太缺乏安全感，而这样的危机感往往破坏了恋爱的美好感觉。　　

这句充满性别和年龄歧视的话，还是DP刘老师解释得好。她说这就是把爱情当作了膏药，不仅需要治疗过往的所有炎症，还必须抵御往后可能有的细菌。这个男人只是不愿做一剂狗皮膏药在爱情缺乏症的伤口上一按不起。　　

感情的事情，男生和女生还真不是在一个起跑线上。他们受伤之后多数能够获得免疫。走过非她不可的时代大多就会风调雨顺，感情的风云变幻再也阻挡不了他们追求更高的海拔和更浩瀚的自由。这样说绝不是恶意评价他们。好多女生也想要拥有这样高级先进的机制，我不禁觉得这才是人类进化的大势所趋。可她们，要说没心没肺的也不是没有，但多数还是会反复地在得不到的痛苦，得到的痛苦，不得其所的痛苦中难以自拔。症结就是期望太高？

陈绮贞（哦，十年了我还是这么爱她）有一首歌叫《80％完美的日子》。有人说过完美的可能性向来很小，80%的好已经要心生感激了。我想这个道理其实大家都懂，可很多时候道理仅仅是道理，很少接触地面。

但必须相信，哪怕是块80％疗效的膏药，你所能够得到的才最适合你。

光芒

我看过的八卦刊物其实不多。记得在很早以前的某个下午，我百无聊赖地坐在窗前密集地读完了一整本有关好莱坞影星们的爱情与婚恋以及穿衣品位的杂志。香艳的照片和名字，信息量之丰富使得我看完之后甚至记不起那是本中文还是英文杂志了。

但里面讲Uma Thurman在遇到Ethan Hawke之后毅然和当时的丈夫Gary Oldman分手的故事我记住了。（结合google的帮助，我总算把几个人名弄明白了。Google是我的好朋友！）尽管文章刊登的时候已经传出Ethan和某模特的绯闻（唔，这个词可比‘勾搭’文雅多了），深爱Ethan的Uma还在努力为他辩解。而真正让我记住这个三角Ta爱Ta但Ta已经不爱Ta了的故事的，是Uma的前夫Gary在离婚后再谈前妻，大意是“……就像天上的星星落入手中，灿烂夺目的光亮瞬间刺瞎了你的眼睛。”哦，天哪！天哪！

今天无意中又读到《安娜卡列尼娜》里的一段话，出自第一部第九节，描写列文在溜冰场见到基蒂：“他走下去，他像避免望太阳一样避免望着她，但是不望着也还是看见她，正如人看见太阳一样。”

原来光芒一说由来已久，如此之传神简直道出了爱情的本真。而再次读到它仍教我陷入忧伤，马不停蹄的忧伤。

Location

I officially started to seriously mull over my location from noon today, again.

It was in 2006, I told in a blog post about how I moved from a window of tree view to another window of tree view, and then to another and other windows of tree view.

In 2007, I wrote: 'We need no city of our own, nor do a country... a familiar street, a cozy room and a soulful look would do better than enough...'

Silently I realize the question of life is not a question of location. It is so complicated that one cannot even figure out what a question it ever is. Oops!

小孩子

说起来，妈妈这边的亲戚也算是个大家族了。据说我这一辈，光我外公膝下就有孙儿女12双。也就是说，我有11个表哥，1个表弟和12个表姐。幼小的我，早早地就当上了表姑和表姨。大概一年多前吧，由于我的某个远方表侄女生了儿子，我又顺利晋级为了表姨婆。每次回家亲戚聚会的时候，我都免不了要意气风发地会见新出库的晚辈们。

说来也奇妙，小孩子们常常一波一波地到来。比如目前我就知道1到3岁的晚辈约6头，这还只算见到过实物的。我深深地感到，世界太残酷了，长得好看太重要了。比如其中一头小男生，刚出生的时候皱巴巴红彤彤的，简直像只猴子。那时候恰逢他貌美如肉包的小堂哥出生已有数月，相形之下难以不让人做出比较。说实话，我就老觉得肉包小堂哥比他得宠多了。

但也不要太担心了。所谓有苗不愁长，我高兴地告诉大家，小猴子堂弟已经1岁4个月大了。昨晚他身着小翻领T恤衫＋背带小短裤，脚蹬棕色皮凉鞋来到我家视察，出场相当之惊艳，做派非常有风范哦。人家现在可是标致可爱有如美少男——变！身！了！家族中又一颗明星华丽丽地冉冉升起，咱翻身得宠的时代到啦！

曾听阿玲说她一上大学校友录看到同学们的宝宝的相片就想抓狂。我就想，看着这么可爱的小生命，刚到你的大腿高，走起路来踉踉跄跄，时不时咿咿呀呀的，叫人如何不抓狂呢？于是有那么一下子，我突然萌生了尽快生一个孩子的伟大想法。接着我想到生产很痛苦，完了身材会变胖，生出来可能没人家的好看，养孩子要花很多钱……然而，among all stupid stuff, the preliminary technical problem is the very absence of a right and legal father for the little thing... 我于是沮丧然后悲愤然后平静然后遗忘然后换上蓬蓬裙若无其事地走在夏日的街头了。

哦，Oscar，我爱你的刻薄！

◎ When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving one's self, and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what world calls a romance.

◎ When a love comes to an end, weaklings cry, efficient ones instantly find another love and wise already had one in reserve.

◎ If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all my life.

◎ When a man has once loved a woman he will do anything for her except continue to love her.

◎ A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.

◎ Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes, they forgive them.

◎ When I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old I know that it is.

◎ I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world.

◎ Woman begins by resisting a man's advances and ends by blocking his retreat.

◎ Nothing is so aggravating than calmness.

◎ A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally.

◎ It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.

◎ Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.

◎ A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.

◎ America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.